The Humility Trap
Many assume that when someone publicly expresses “vulnerability”, it is a sign of humility. What we fail to discern is that such public vulnerability that’s expressed with a veneer of altruism and a latent implication that “I want to help you” is often rooted in a purely personal agenda that has nothing to do with altruism. It is just a covert manipulation tool that also conveys a subtle personal sense of superiority over those who are consuming the vulnerability story. But it attracts eyeballs & likes, it works, so it gets deployed very often (just look at some viral LinkedIn posts).
A more reliable sign of humility is an unperformative willingness to learn from someone whom we don’t deem ‘superior’ to us. This is logical because learning is hard, and learning well beyond our schooling years is even harder. It is hard logistically and it is hard on our ego. Such a willingness to learn requires us to accept that (a) we truly do not understand everything around us despite our great education and great experiences, and (b) the other person does not have to be ‘above us’ for us to gain from their perspective and practice.
An even greater sign of humility is to tell this person about what you learned from them (even if you learned by merely observing them) and how you’ve benefitted from those learnings. This is in fact a sign of authentic security and confidence. Because it can only come from the visceral understanding that learning from someone else does not diminish you and telling them about it does not in any way downgrade you.
A sign of true wisdom is to further see that ‘wanting to cultivate more humility’ is a paradox. The individual who tries hard to cultivate humility does not see that, by striving for humility, s/he is still aiming to establish superiority over those who do not possess this quality. It is still a status game, but one in which you get to choose a Humility Score as the authoritative yardstick. Chasing humility (or any other such virtuous label) will surely keep you busy, but it is pointless.
What is the correct way?
The correct way is to first see that there is no correct way, at least none that will be accepted by everyone in society or get you validation from everyone whose validation you seek. The correct way is to then begin to see that all such pathologies are rooted in hierarchical thinking1.
“I am above this person because XYZ reasons”
“I am below this other person because ABC reasons”
It is this root that ought to be understood and treated.
There is nothing that I or anyone else can tell you that will just hand you the epiphany you seek here. That epiphany can only come from within you. The words above are a mere prompt for you to extract the truth that already lies within you. And when that truth is extracted, the only entity that deserves any ‘credit’ is you, not the writer of these words. The writer hasn’t done anything. It is you who was ready to receive, understand, and do the work.
When the student is ready, the teacher appears. The teaching is simple, the readiness is anything but.
If you want to explore hierarchical thinking further, The Courage to be Disliked is worth reading. If you’re into audiobooks, the audiobook version is excellent.
"I am not better than anyone else. I am not worse than anyone else. I am not the same as anyone else."
One thing I’ve found helpful is to replace “How do I show up as a humble leader?” with “Where did I change my mind this week because of someone else’s perspective, and did I go back and tell them?”
That tiny shift moves the focus from chasing a humility label to tracking concrete learning moments, and it aligns beautifully with your point that telling people what we learned from them is actually a sign of security, not diminishment.